


Dear Ash

by Myka



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 16:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18265037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myka/pseuds/Myka
Summary: Eiji's therapist tells him to write another letter to Ash.





	Dear Ash

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written as Twitter fic.
> 
> https://twitter.com/mykafl/status/1098020234236178437

* * *

Dear Ash,

My therapist said I should write another letter to you. They say it could help me in saying goodbye to you…

But... I don’t want to say goodbye.

Instead I will tell you all the times I loved you.

I loved you when you let me hold your gun. You indulged my ignorance and naivete.

I loved you when you gave up your gun after Arthur ordered his men to kill me. Me... who you didn’t even know.

I loved you when I saw you in that hospital bed. You were younger than me, but your eyes seemed like they had their fill. You had already accepted that it all would soon come to an end.

I loved you when your lips touched mine and you trusted me even when I failed you.

I loved you when you said I could stay by your side. You didn’t blame me even when I deserved to be blamed.

I loved you when I saw you fight so boldly for your freedom.

I loved you when you told me to go back to Japan, when I knew what heartbreak felt like for the first time.

I loved you when we lost our dear friend and I realized I would go crazy if I lost you as well. That day I made a promise to protect you if I ever could.

I loved you when you trusted and confided in me. That night I knew I never wanted to leave your side. I wanted forever.

I loved you even when I saw the side of you you didn’t want me to see.

I loved you when they lied to me and told me you were dead.

I loved you even if I had to drag you out of bed. I pretended to be angry, but those were the happiest days.

I loved you even as the bullet grazed me. When your arms surrounded me I knew I’d be safe.

I loved you when we talked about Japan. I promised myself I would do everything I could to get you there and away from this place.

I loved you and swore I'd get you back when you sacrificed everything for me.

I loved you as you screamed my name to turn back. I wanted to protect you as much as you wanted to protect me.

I loved you even as they tried to break you. I felt powerless. I wanted to do more. But all I could do was hold you.

I loved you as I pushed you out of the way.

I loved you as I felt the pain.

I loved you as I fell.

As I heard you scream my name.

As the bullets flew and others came.

I knew I was in love with you when I saw you safe.

I welcomed the darkness when I saw you safe.

All I wanted to do was see you as I lingered in the dark.

All I wanted to know was if you were ok.

Did you know it was you who pulled me back from the dark?

The sound of your voice.

The sound of your cries.

The sound of your footsteps walking away.

My body felt like lead.

To this day I don't know how I stood up.

Don't know how I dragged my feet across that cold floor.

I just couldn't let you go without telling you.

I wanted to tell you.

You needed to know.

I love you.

I loved you.

But all I could say was your name.

Weakly.

Repeatedly.

I could barely see.

I heard you calling me.

I heard you seeing me.

Running to me.

My heart was free as I reached out to you.

You were so close I could feel the ghost of your touch.

And then…

It all broke.

I thought Ibe would stop you.

I thought Charlie would arrest you.

So I pulled back.

I closed my hand.

My nightmares are haunted by this moment.

The last moment I saw you.

The last moment I felt you.

The last moment I didn’t touch you and screamed at you to go.

To escape.

To leave me.

I regret it every second of every day.

And now…

Now…

I...

My parents demanded I return to Japan.

I couldn’t say no.

I was too weak to say no.

I wanted to see you.

But I only wrote a letter telling you how much I loved you.

And because of it you died.

My therapist says I can’t blame myself.

They said to write you another letter, this letter, to say goodbye and it feels like a cruel joke.

Because I can write I loved you one hundred times.

I can write my soul is with you one hundred more.

And you will never ever see them.

You will never hear me say them.

You’re gone and I’m somehow supposed to stay here without you, knowing it’s my fault.

That it is because of me that you died.

And I…

I...

Ash...

Would it be so bad if I went to see you?

My soul is still with you.

-Eiji

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/mykafl


End file.
